Hello baby boy. I am missing you more and more every day. It feels like so long ago that we held you. We love you so much and wish you could be here.

Your doing such an awesome job at looking after your little brother or sister, not long to go now, maybe only a week or so. I wonder if they will look like you?

Mummy has decided to get a tattoo in your memory, and Im so excited I cant wait. And then I will be able to look at your name every single day. I will post a picture once its done...

Love you so much Jack.

x0x0x0

Your second birthday in heaven...

My baby boy you would have been 2 years old today. How quick the time has gone. I wish you were here with us. Me and daddy miss you so much. I hope you had a lovely birthday up there and you got spoilt with everything you could wish for. Thank you for doing such a good job looking after your little brother or sister who is due in about 7 1/2 weeks now.
Did you get any cake? Mummy couldnt have any cake for you because I have gestational diabetes. But we sent some balloons up to heaven for you, I hope you got them. One blue one, one green one and a white one from your baby brother or sister.
Miss you so so so much. Big kisses to you. I wish we could give you a big cuddle. I hope you know how much we all love you and miss you and wish you were here with us.

Missing you heaps little buddy. I wish you were here.

It doesn't seem to get any easier, living without you. This pregnancy has brought back all the memories of when I was pregnant with you and all the hopes we had for you. And everything that we looked forward to doing with you. Like the birthday party that we went to at the animal farm last weekend. You would have loved it. Having a pony ride and patting all the little lambies. all i could think about was how much i wished you were here. i know daddy did too.

the Easter bunny comes this weekend and it would have been so much fun having an egg hunt with you. you would have been so cute running around in your pj's looking for eggs.

I wish you could be here with us.

I love you

Missing you...

Hey little baby,
Cant believe its been nearly 2 years since we lost you. We miss you so much everyday and think of you all the time. Theres so much we could have been doing together....you could have helped mummy plant some plants in the back yard today. And come with mummy and nanna up the hills where we had some lovely scones and jam, yummy. Tomorrow we are going down to the beach, its going to be beautiful weather, I will miss not being able to chase you around on the sand and make sand castles with you.

Your little brother or sister is due in July, 10 days after your due date. I know that you are looking after us and will help this baby make it safely to mummy and daddy. We are thinking of giving the baby Jack as a middle name if it is a boy, i hope you don't mind - I'm sure you wouldn't, I'm sure you will be very proud.

Ta ta for now, miss you to the moon and back x0x0x0x0x
Love mummy.

Last night we lost our little rainbow baby. I would have been 7 weeks today.
I still cant really believe it. There were signs that it was going to happen since last Friday, but you still try to stay positive and keep hopeful, but deep down you know.
Why must this happen?
Why must this happen to anyone?
Havent we already been through enough? When will we get our baby?

We have got a busy busy week coming up. Our friend who had the stomach cancer passed away last week, so we are flying to Tasmania for the funeral. I am not looking forward to it at all. I hate funerals. This will be the first funeral I have been to since Jack's. We are staying the one night and then coming home. I would have liked to stay a little longer as it will be my first trip down to Tassie but I am trying to save my holidays up for when bubba comes!

The other thing is we have to put the dogs in a kennel for the week, and I hate doing that. They stress out and I worry about them the whole time. I worry that they might escape since my male doggie is prone to destroying fences : (   But hopefull they should be ok.

Then I have got my doctors appointment tonight to confirm this pregnancy, I am 5 weeks tomorrow. And get a referal from him to my specialist.

Then we are off to a race meeting for a few days (in honour of our friend) and then finally we will be back home and we can collect the dogs from the kennel. I am already tired just thinking about it!

An update and some news..

Its been a while since I wrote anything I don't really know why. There has been a lot of stuff going on lately. One of our friends is very sick with stomach cancer and we are waiting for the call to say that his battle has ended. We went in to the hospital on the weekend to say our goodbyes and he promised to look after Jack for us. It was extremely hard. I just hope that he goes peacefully and is not suffering in any pain.

Jack's birthday turned out to be a lovely day, it was emotional but at the same time it felt good to be celebrating his birthday. We had lunch at the restaurant on top of the mountain with the beautiful views and luckily it was a sunny day so you could see right out to the city and across the bay.

I forgot to take my camera! I was so angry with myself, luckily Mum had hers, but I haven't had a chance yet to upload them onto my computer.

I did remember to take a picture of the cake though, it was delicious mud!

After lunch we released all the balloons while everyone who was enjoying the view on the mountain looked on.

We then went through a hedge maze with the kids (and big kids too) that was fun! It was really nice to spend the day with family and friends. If only Jack was there to see how much everyone loves and misses him. I'm sure he would have been looking down on us though.

So, a whole year is gone and it feels like just yesterday, its hard to believe that we would have a 1 year old now.

And as for the news that I have, well I am pregnant! We just found out yesterday and so far we have only told my SIL and best friend. We are going to tell our Mum's and that's pretty much it until 12 weeks. Oh and my brother and his fiance' they are getting married in August and next month I have to go to the Hen's party which is a winery tour and I'm sure they will notice that I'm not drinking!

I'm really scared about these first 12 weeks, I am really praying that nothing bad happens.

My due date is 22nd Feb 2010. I will be writing in more detail about my journey on my other blog (see link in the top right hand corner)

It hasn't really sunk in yet, it doesn't feel real. I guess when Ive seen the doctor and had a scan and all is well then I will believe it. But I am very thankful that it happened quickly and we haven't had to endure the months and months of trying that I know lots of people have to, so for that I am grateful. I'm trying not to get my hopes up just yet though, we have got a long way to go.

Happy 1st Birthday

Happy 1st Birthday my baby boy.

Mummy and Daddy miss you so much and wish that you could be here with us.

We hope that you had a wonderful birthday in heaven with all your little angel friends.

Did you get all the balloons that we sent up to heaven for you yesterday? They were pale blue, very pretty just like your eyes would have been.

Your two Nanna's and Great Nanna and Aunties and Uncles and cousins all came yesterday to help celebrate your birthday. They all love you so much too.

We had a beautiful cake for you. I hope you got to have some birthday cake in heaven.

We really miss you lots and lots.

Love you buddy, always and forever.

Happy Birthday - Love Mummy and Daddy

x0x0x0

The little things

Well I ordered a cake for Jack's birthday. I decided against making one as I wanted it to be perfect and to be honest I'm not that good a cake maker. It is going to be white with blue flowers and a rattle on it along with his name and birth date. I will be sure to post some pictures.

The restaurant is all booked, I just have to order some balloons and I think we will place an add in our paper too. But other than that I am all organised, its come around so quick Ive hardly even had time to think about it.

Every now and then at work I glance at the calendar and I think to myself this time last year I was feeling unwell, my blood pressure had sky rocketed, why didn't I just go the hospital? Why did I wait to see the stupid doctor again? If only I could go back and change everything.

On the weekend I decided to change the position of the cot in Jacks room. (I still call it Jacks room, its going to be really hard to call it someone else's room eventually)
I really wanted to buy a new cot, a nice white one. Not because the one we have isn't brand new because it is, but because every time I looked in the room I could feel bad karma or something. It felt like the room was laughing at me, saying ha ha ha look at what you set up in here and don't you feel ridiculous now!

Hubby wasn't so keen on getting rid of the cot, its not like Jack used it or anything and I could understand his point of view too. So then I had an idea to change the room around and I feel much better about it now.

Its still the same room and the same cot, but somehow it doesn't seem so scary and menacing as before. Crazy I know! But obviously I just needed something in there to be different than before - so that in the back of my mind I can hope that next time things will be different.

Hubby brought me this most beautiful figurine of a child holding a balloon which says 'Hope' for Mothers Day.  I have put it on the hallway table opposite Jacks bedroom. Hopefully it will bring us some good luck in the form of a BFP in the next few months!

I also got some stuff off my neices and nephew which was very sweet - some bed socks and a mug that says 'Worlds Greatest Mum'. so cute.

I have also finally organised something for Jacks birthday. We are all going to lunch at a bistro on top of a local mountain which has sweeping views accross our city and the beach. Afterwards we will release some balloons, and then  maybe go back to someones house for some birthday cake (which hopefully I will get time to make!)

Well I survived my first Mothers Day! Don't know how, but I did.

I think the build-up to it was worse than the actual day.

We went out for lunch with my mum, sil, and mil. It wasn't as bad as what I thought it was going to be. It was kind of just like any other day because luckily the restaurant we chose wasn't handing out flowers to the Mums or anything like that, I really would have hated to explain that I'm a mother to a dead baby. But I needn't have worried, it didn't come up.

Afterwards we went back to my Mums for afternoon tea with my brother and his fiance which was lovely and then to my sil's for a roast dinner, which was delicious!

So all in all a pretty good day. I even got some presents which I will post pictures of tomorrow.

May is here

And I'm not looking forward to it. That's an understatement, actually I'm dreading it.
To start with we have Mothers Day next weekend. Normally we go out for lunch with our mums and family, but I really don't want to this year. I couldn't stand to go out and see all the happy families celebrating.
This time last year I remember we went out for lunch for Mothers Day and I was about 30 weeks pregnant, and everyone was saying, not long now and you will be a mother too. We were all so exited. We weren't to know that only a few weeks later our whole lives would turn upside down. I can still remember it clearly. I remember my ankles were really swollen and so was my face, although at the time, I didn't realise how badly, and I don't think my family did either. I remember not feeling 100% on that day. The next day I found out why when i visited my Ob and my BP was 160/120...

Then there is Jacks birthday coming up on the 24th. I have no idea how I want to celebrate this yet. I keep pushing it to the back of my mind but its getting closer and closer and I will have to think about it soon. What are the rules of etiquette when it comes to celebrating a dead babies 1st birthday? They don't teach you these things in school. Is there such a thing as going overboard? I feel ridiculous organising a birthday party for someone who is not here. But on the same hand I also feel that he deserves a 1st birthday as much as any other baby does. Will people think its weird though? I don't know.
I really don't know what to do. I will have to do some thinking. If the weather is nice I wouldn't mind going down to the park for a picnic with our family and release some balloons.

Then 2 days later it is my birthday. Last year I came home from hospital on my birthday without my baby. We didn't celebrate then and I don't want to celebrate it this year either.

So May is shaping up to be a really crappy month.

Oh yeah and to top it all off I had to tell my best friend that I just couldn't attend her sons 1st birthday party yesterday. I just couldn't do it. Its too hard to sit there and pretend that I am happy when I'm not. It would have reminded me too much of all the things that we should have been celebrating with Jack.
I'm sure she understood, but I feel horrible that I couldn't be there.

Just feeling sad today. Not that I dont feel sad everyday, just a little more so tonight.

Might have something to do with the fact that I was just looking on facebook and one of my oldest friends from primary school had a little baby boy recently.

We havent been in touch for years, we just recently started messaging each other via facebook. We were the best of friends from about age 6 to about 10, until she moved away.

I am happy for her. Sad for me.

Why is it that I didnt get to keep my boy. Why is it that she did?

The stupid questions people ask

When I went back to work for the first time after Jack was born, there were quite a few people who didnt even acknowledge that he had died, or that I had even been pregnant.

Some people said the usual 'sorry to hear what happened', others just said a simple 'glad to have you back'. But what baffled me the most was some people (1 person in particular) didnt say anything at all! They just pretended like I never went anywhere! I couldnt beleive it. I was really upset and angry. How could they pretend like nothing had happened? How could they ignore the fact that the last time they saw me I was 32 weeks pregnant? How could they ignore the fact that I hadnt been at work for the last 6 weeks? Had they not noticed, I dont think so!

Didnt say a thing! I am still baffled by this. I get that they may not have known what to say, but hell, a simple 'sorry' would have sufficed. I guess Im still kind of angry about it.

Anyway the other day at work one of my colleagues wife's rang to talk to her husband. Now she knows damn well what happened. I think when I came back to work and she rang for the first time since it had happened she said something along the lines of good to have you back.

Anyway the other day when she rang we were doing the usual 'hi how are you? good, whats news? Then she said the stupidest thing. She actually asked 'So, life's good?'

Why would you ask somebody who has lost a child if 'lifes good?'

I think I was dumbfounded for a moment and then I kind of sarcasticly said 'yeah, good'.

Has she forgotten that I lost my son less than 10 months ago? Does she think that because I am back at work and appear to be 'back to normal' on the outside that Im still not hurting on the inside? I just dont get it.

I guess I wouldnt call my life bad, but I wouldnt call it good either. It will never be good, it will just be. I dont really know what that means, but thats how I feel. I wish people would understand that when you lose a child you never stop thinking about them and what could have been. Whether its 1 month down the track or 10. And Im guessing it will be the same 10 years down the track.

Crappy day at work

One of the hardest things for me after Jack was born was going back to work.

It was just all wrong. That wasnt how it was meant to be. I was supposed to be at home looking after my baby, instead I had nothing and I was back at the same job again as if nothing had happened.  I found it really hard to get my head around that. But I had no choice - we needed the money.

It didnt help matters that the first day back as soon as I walked in the door the cleaner saw me and asked me where I had been for the last 6 weeks? I nearly died. I couldnt believe it, I thought everybody would have been told what happened.  I kind of blurted out that we had the baby but he didnt make it, or something along those lines and then got away from him as quick as possible.

The first few weeks I refused to sit at my desk (I am on reception) because I didnt want to be receiving phone calls from people at other branches that knew what happened and have to listen to them say 'sorry about what happened' over and over again.

Eventually I worked up the courage, and after quite a few teary phone calls I seemed to be back in my old routine again.

I am lucky that I dont have to deal with babies on a daily basis, like I know some BLM have to.
But today a customer came in and she had a new born baby boy in her arms. As soon as she walked up to my desk I knew I had to get rid of her as soon as possible (horrible i know) I couldnt bear to look at the baby, let alone acknowledge him. But of course this lady wanted to chat and no one else was around to rescue me, so I got stuck talking to her. She couldnt seem to get the hint that I really didnt want to be talking to her.

Anyway as soon as she left I went into one of the other girls offices and told her what happened and just let off a heap of steam. I was just so angry that people can be so oblivious to the hurt and pain that you are feeling right in front of them, even though I know that they have no clue what happened and its entirely not their fault.

I just hate having to be stuck in situations like that.

Back home...

Well I am back home again after having my gallbladder out and it went really well.

Not as painful as I thought it was going to be (thank God for keyhole surgery!), but Im still a little sore.

So now finally we can start trying for another baby, yay! I am so excited about this.

So I havent been able to do much but sit around and watch tv this week. Although one day I decided to go into Jacks room, which I havent been in for ages, the door is always shut.

As soon as I walked in I could smell the scent of new furniture still. His beautiful new cot that we never got to use. I just stood there for a while and looked around at all the unused toys and nappies and blankets.
Then I spotted a memory box that my SIL had given us, so I thought I would take a quick peak.

It is such a beautiful little box, on the top it says the words

'Baby's treasured keepsakes are contained within this box,
To keep and hold forever, for they are enveloped in Love'

Inside there is a photo of me and hubby with Jack, all the condolence cards that friends and family sent us. All the photos from the hospital with Jack and family, his little umbilical cord clip, and also the memory book that the hospital gave us, which has his footprints and lock of hair etc in it.

There is something else in there which I like to read every now and then, but it breaks my heart every time.
It is so beautifully written by my hubbys younger sister ( she was only 19 at the time) She wrote it for Jack's funeral and she read it out herself, she was so incredibly brave, I was so proud of her.

It is entitled 'Never Forget A Little Angel'


Never shall I forget the hospital

Never shall I forget the pain we went through,
the tears we cried, and the question

Why God? Why let someone die so young, so soon? Why?

Never shall I forget the way my family felt

The phone rings at night or early in the morning

The phone ring that was telling us to get up and drive to the hospital

Never shall I forget the samll crib he was in filled with Kermit

Never shall I forget my nephew

How he was torn away from his life so young, so soon

I miss you Jack Cooper

Rest In Peace

So beautiful and so heartbreaking to read. I have included a photo of the memory box with 2 of my favourite toys that we bought for Jack. The green Kermit was a present from my hubby to Jack and I bought the Eeyore blanky for him.

Love you little angel always x0x0

It doesnt get any easier

Last night I went to a friends 'kitchenware party', I now kind of wish I hadnt gone.

The lady that I have posted about in a previous blog who was heavily pregnant has now had her baby. She had a baby girl which is now 6 weeks old, which she got to bring home, and she got to keep.

This lady was at the party last night. Admittedly my friend did ring to warn me that she would be there, thankfully, because if I hadnt been warned I dont think I would have been able to hide my emotions as well as I did. Not that I think I did a good job of that. Anyway stupidly I told my friend that I would be fine and I was still going to come.

When I first walked in the lady was sitting on the couch breast feeding the baby. I couldnt even bring myself to say hi to her, and to congratulate her would have just been torture. So instead I ignored her.

I felt so uncomfortable, I didnt know where to sit or who to look at. Thank god I took my sister in law with me because she kind of distracted me from the thoughts that were running around in my head. I was hoping that no one else noticed how I was feeling, but it was so hard for me to hold it together. On the inside I just wanted to cry and run out of there.

I couldnt even look at the baby. The only way for me to cope with being in the same room as the newborn was to pretend that she wasnt there, that she didnt exist. So I actually managed to do that for most of the night, except for once when I did happen to glance in the babies direction and immediatley wished I hadn't, because it was so painful - it was like being punched in the chest.

After the demonstration my friend and all her friends from  'mothers group' were chatting about their kids and school, kindy, sleeping patterns - all stuff that I am not part of. I just felt so out of place I couldnt wait to get out of there.

I shouldnt have gone. I just didnt realise how hard it still is 9 months down the track.

Cant sleep...

I have been having trouble sleeping again lately. If I wake up in the middle of the night, I cant get back to sleep again. My mind just keeps ticking over. Memories from being in the hospital with Jack and his birth and his funeral all haunt me. I try really hard to think about something else, but the other thoughts automatically pop back into my head, I end up tossing and turning and before I know it its nearly morning.

Last night I was woken by a really horrible dream. I dreamt that I was pregnant again and things were beginning to go wrong. I think I was about 24 weeks or something like that, and I was out the front of my house talking to a relative when all of a sudden I got some really bad cramps in my stomach. I screamed at her to drive me to the hospital. On the way the cramps got worse and worse and my stomach actually felt numb. I kept telling her to hurry becuase I was losing the baby. When we got close to the hospital there was a road block because there had been an explosion at the hospital and there were dead bodies lying everywhere. By the time we finally got into the hospital I thought the baby was dead.
A nurse came over to assess me and pointed out to me that I was bleeding everywhere. I asked her to check for a heartbeat,  and much to our amazement we heard one. She then sent me home even though I didnt want to go...and thats about where I woke up.

I was so disturbed I couldnt get back to sleep. And it has actually got me worrying about how I am going to cope with another pregnancy. How am I going to get through every single day wondering if the baby is still alive?

9 months

Its been almost  9 months since we said goodbye.

Its so sad that we have missed out on nine whole months of his life. And we still have to spend the rest of our lives without him.

Nine months has gone quickly but then again, so painfully slow. How can time seem to go quick and slow at the same time? It's hard to remember what it was like before our precious little boy was born.

I cant really remember a time when I used to feel completly happy and whole. But I must have been once. It seems like the peice of me that is missing can never be replaced or repaired, we will never again be completly whole.

I cant believe that we have managed to survive nine whole months without him. How have we done it? I guess because it is necessary. You have to get up every day, you have to eat every day, you have to go to work every day. Just like normal people. Except you know you arent 'normal' anymore. Because he is never far from our thoughts. Even though we may seem to be 'normal' to outside people, we certainly dont feel it.


Thinking of you and wishing you were here little angel x0x0x

1st March

Thats the date of my surgery! I was so excited when I got the letter that I could have done cartwheels!

So only 1 more week and a bit and then my glall bladder will be gone and then we can get on with trying to make a baby brother or sister for Jack. And also the cyst that was on my ovary is gone...so that was great news too!

Im scared of falling pregnant again. It is going to be such a worrying time (to put it mildly) but at the same time I want to so much.


Mummy loves and misses you so much Jack
Lots of hugs and kisses to you - I know you are looking after your mummy from heaven

x0x0x0x0