Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Just feeling sad today. Not that I dont feel sad everyday, just a little more so tonight.

Might have something to do with the fact that I was just looking on facebook and one of my oldest friends from primary school had a little baby boy recently.

We havent been in touch for years, we just recently started messaging each other via facebook. We were the best of friends from about age 6 to about 10, until she moved away.

I am happy for her. Sad for me.

Why is it that I didnt get to keep my boy. Why is it that she did?

Saturday, March 20, 2010

The stupid questions people ask

When I went back to work for the first time after Jack was born, there were quite a few people who didnt even acknowledge that he had died, or that I had even been pregnant.

Some people said the usual 'sorry to hear what happened', others just said a simple 'glad to have you back'. But what baffled me the most was some people (1 person in particular) didnt say anything at all! They just pretended like I never went anywhere! I couldnt beleive it. I was really upset and angry. How could they pretend like nothing had happened? How could they ignore the fact that the last time they saw me I was 32 weeks pregnant? How could they ignore the fact that I hadnt been at work for the last 6 weeks? Had they not noticed, I dont think so!

Didnt say a thing! I am still baffled by this. I get that they may not have known what to say, but hell, a simple 'sorry' would have sufficed. I guess Im still kind of angry about it.

Anyway the other day at work one of my colleagues wife's rang to talk to her husband. Now she knows damn well what happened. I think when I came back to work and she rang for the first time since it had happened she said something along the lines of good to have you back.

Anyway the other day when she rang we were doing the usual 'hi how are you? good, whats news? Then she said the stupidest thing. She actually asked 'So, life's good?'

Why would you ask somebody who has lost a child if 'lifes good?'

I think I was dumbfounded for a moment and then I kind of sarcasticly said 'yeah, good'.

Has she forgotten that I lost my son less than 10 months ago? Does she think that because I am back at work and appear to be 'back to normal' on the outside that Im still not hurting on the inside? I just dont get it.

I guess I wouldnt call my life bad, but I wouldnt call it good either. It will never be good, it will just be. I dont really know what that means, but thats how I feel. I wish people would understand that when you lose a child you never stop thinking about them and what could have been. Whether its 1 month down the track or 10. And Im guessing it will be the same 10 years down the track.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Crappy day at work

One of the hardest things for me after Jack was born was going back to work.

It was just all wrong. That wasnt how it was meant to be. I was supposed to be at home looking after my baby, instead I had nothing and I was back at the same job again as if nothing had happened.  I found it really hard to get my head around that. But I had no choice - we needed the money.

It didnt help matters that the first day back as soon as I walked in the door the cleaner saw me and asked me where I had been for the last 6 weeks? I nearly died. I couldnt believe it, I thought everybody would have been told what happened.  I kind of blurted out that we had the baby but he didnt make it, or something along those lines and then got away from him as quick as possible.

The first few weeks I refused to sit at my desk (I am on reception) because I didnt want to be receiving phone calls from people at other branches that knew what happened and have to listen to them say 'sorry about what happened' over and over again.

Eventually I worked up the courage, and after quite a few teary phone calls I seemed to be back in my old routine again.

I am lucky that I dont have to deal with babies on a daily basis, like I know some BLM have to.
But today a customer came in and she had a new born baby boy in her arms. As soon as she walked up to my desk I knew I had to get rid of her as soon as possible (horrible i know) I couldnt bear to look at the baby, let alone acknowledge him. But of course this lady wanted to chat and no one else was around to rescue me, so I got stuck talking to her. She couldnt seem to get the hint that I really didnt want to be talking to her.

Anyway as soon as she left I went into one of the other girls offices and told her what happened and just let off a heap of steam. I was just so angry that people can be so oblivious to the hurt and pain that you are feeling right in front of them, even though I know that they have no clue what happened and its entirely not their fault.

I just hate having to be stuck in situations like that.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Back home...

Well I am back home again after having my gallbladder out and it went really well.

Not as painful as I thought it was going to be (thank God for keyhole surgery!), but Im still a little sore.

So now finally we can start trying for another baby, yay! I am so excited about this.

So I havent been able to do much but sit around and watch tv this week. Although one day I decided to go into Jacks room, which I havent been in for ages, the door is always shut.

As soon as I walked in I could smell the scent of new furniture still. His beautiful new cot that we never got to use. I just stood there for a while and looked around at all the unused toys and nappies and blankets.
Then I spotted a memory box that my SIL had given us, so I thought I would take a quick peak.

It is such a beautiful little box, on the top it says the words

'Baby's treasured keepsakes are contained within this box,
To keep and hold forever, for they are enveloped in Love'

Inside there is a photo of me and hubby with Jack, all the condolence cards that friends and family sent us. All the photos from the hospital with Jack and family, his little umbilical cord clip, and also the memory book that the hospital gave us, which has his footprints and lock of hair etc in it.

There is something else in there which I like to read every now and then, but it breaks my heart every time.
It is so beautifully written by my hubbys younger sister ( she was only 19 at the time) She wrote it for Jack's funeral and she read it out herself, she was so incredibly brave, I was so proud of her.

It is entitled 'Never Forget A Little Angel'

Never shall I forget the hospital

Never shall I forget the pain we went through,
the tears we cried, and the question

Why God? Why let someone die so young, so soon? Why?

Never shall I forget the way my family felt

The phone rings at night or early in the morning

The phone ring that was telling us to get up and drive to the hospital

Never shall I forget the samll crib he was in filled with Kermit

Never shall I forget my nephew

How he was torn away from his life so young, so soon

I miss you Jack Cooper

Rest In Peace

So beautiful and so heartbreaking to read. I have included a photo of the memory box with 2 of my favourite toys that we bought for Jack. The green Kermit was a present from my hubby to Jack and I bought the Eeyore blanky for him.

Love you little angel always x0x0