Finally..

Well I have finally received a letter from the hospital about my gall bladder operation after being on the waiting list for what seems like eternity, but was actually 3 months. I have an appointment at pre-op on 15th Feb and hopefully within 2-3 weeks after that I can finally have it removed. Which means that in March/April we can finally start trying for another baby.

So after a crappy start to the year, my frame of mind has slightly changed and I have now tried to adopt a positive attitude. It finally feels like I have a very small amount of control over my life again and we can start to look to the future with hope. I cant wait until the operation is all over and I have something to look forward to every month (a positive preg test!).

Last Sunday was Jacks 8 month anniversary. My god it has gone soo quick. I cant believe it, where does the time go? Im so sad that he is not here with us and that he has had to spend the last 8 months in heaven without us. I hope he is having fun up there with all the other angels.

Missing you like crazy little Jack
Love Mummy x0x0x

The unavoidable question

The other day I went to get my eyebrows waxed, I hadn't been to this particular salon before.
The lady and I were just making idle chitchat, as you do when your in a beauty salon. She started to ask if I was married and how long we had been married. And I thought uh-oh here comes the 'have you got any kids question'.

My mind started racing, I was thinking what am I going to say? And I suddenly realised I hadn't been asked that question since we had lost Jack. In nearly 8 months no-one had asked me if I had any kids, I couldnt believe it! I had previously thought about what I would say and I thought I was prepared. I was supposed to say 'yes, I have 1 baby in heaven'. But instead what came out was, 'no, not yet'.

I had no idea why I had said that. I was instantly angry with myself for not saying yes. I was upset at the lady for prying (even though I know it's just a general question everybody gets asked). After I had said yes, she started to ask me if we were going to try soon, so I said yes. I wondered if it was too late to change my answer, and say yes I did infact have a baby already, here have a look at my necklace that I wear around my neck that holds his ashes, or have a look at my bracelet that has his name on it, but Im sure she didnt really want to hear my story anyway. Stillbirth is not something people like to talk about.

I guess it depends on who is asking the question as to how you respond to an answer like that. Maybe becuase I knew I would never see her again I didn't tell her. But Im sure there will be plenty more times that I will have to answer the same question, I wonder if it will ever get any easier?

Thanks...

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for your comments and for making me feel so welcome in this new 'blogging world'.
When I first started this blog, I wasnt sure I wanted anyone to read it, but I have come to realise how healing it can be just to share your thoughts with other people who understand what you are going through.
I have also realised how much I enjoy reading other peoples blogs.
When I first talked about reading these blogs with some friends, their comments were 'try not to dwell on it too much', meaning that I should forget about what happened and try and move on. They mean well of course, but they dont realise that it actually helps to be able to read others stories and realise you are not alone and to feel closer to Jack.
I guess its easier for them to put Jack out of their thoughts, but for me he is constantly on my mind.
Anything that brings me closer to him has got to be good, right?
I will try and get around to writing Jacks birth story soon. I have been meaning to do it for the last few months but just havent had the courage to go there yet. As soon as I get some quiet time to myself I will start that story. Its going to be hard, but I need to get it all out before the details turn into foggy distant memories.