Wednesday, January 13, 2010

The unavoidable question

The other day I went to get my eyebrows waxed, I hadn't been to this particular salon before.
The lady and I were just making idle chitchat, as you do when your in a beauty salon. She started to ask if I was married and how long we had been married. And I thought uh-oh here comes the 'have you got any kids question'.

My mind started racing, I was thinking what am I going to say? And I suddenly realised I hadn't been asked that question since we had lost Jack. In nearly 8 months no-one had asked me if I had any kids, I couldnt believe it! I had previously thought about what I would say and I thought I was prepared. I was supposed to say 'yes, I have 1 baby in heaven'. But instead what came out was, 'no, not yet'.

I had no idea why I had said that. I was instantly angry with myself for not saying yes. I was upset at the lady for prying (even though I know it's just a general question everybody gets asked). After I had said yes, she started to ask me if we were going to try soon, so I said yes. I wondered if it was too late to change my answer, and say yes I did infact have a baby already, here have a look at my necklace that I wear around my neck that holds his ashes, or have a look at my bracelet that has his name on it, but Im sure she didnt really want to hear my story anyway. Stillbirth is not something people like to talk about.

I guess it depends on who is asking the question as to how you respond to an answer like that. Maybe becuase I knew I would never see her again I didn't tell her. But Im sure there will be plenty more times that I will have to answer the same question, I wonder if it will ever get any easier?


  1. I'm terrified of getting asked that question. It hasn't happened yet but we're only just over two months out from our loss and I don't really leave the house much yet. I'm also terrified of the first time I see someone that knew I was pregnant but doesn't know what happened.

    It's just all so hard.

  2. Thanks Maddie for your comment. I am very sorry for the loss of your precious Matilda. We couldnt make it to the balloon release on the weekend as we were away, it would have been lovely to meet you and the other BLM's. I have signed up to follow your blog.

  3. I first got that question when I was at a nail salon. I was so thrown off guard and just started crying. The nail tech didn't know what was going on. Since then I now have "scripts" in my head that I use such as, I have twins in heaven. Don't be upset with yourself for your response. Every situation is different and say what feels comfortable at the time.

  4. Yes that is such a hard question and however much you prepare you will never be ready. I think whatever you say you will feel guilty - either for not telling them about Jack or about making them feel awkward. The truth is that you feel bad that Jack is not here and you cannot say yes I have a baby called Jack...

    It gets easier - I now say something like "I have a 5 year old who is at school and a baby daughter who is in heaven" - that is when I have confidence to say that!

  5. I've had those moments where I am caught off guard. I've gone over in my head many times how to respond to this question. You just gotta find something you are comfortable with.

  6. Spoke too soon. I've just started picking up and dropping off the neighbours kids at kindy - I'm enjoying it and it fills in part of what are now very empty days. Today I was talking to one of the teachers and she asked 'Have you got any kids of your own?' and without thinking I just replied 'No'. I feel so awful and just cryed all the way home - what sort of mother am I.

    Having said that, I don't think there's any easy answer because the truth is probably going to make that other person very awkard and I don't think I could get it out without breaking down. Maybe in the future it will be easier to tell people I've got a little girl in heaven.

    I didn't realise you were from Melbourne. We really liked it and will probably visit again - I'll let you know if we do and maybe we can meet up then.

    Maddie x

  7. I did the same thing over the summer. It sucks! I hate it!

  8. I do the same thing every now and then. It breaks my heart when I tel people know but I rather have that then being and bawling hysterical idiot.

  9. I too get worked up about that question. I want to answer honestly but I don't want to make others uncomfortable. Either way I answer, I feel I lose out.

    To brighter days,