The other day I went to get my eyebrows waxed, I hadn't been to this particular salon before.
The lady and I were just making idle chitchat, as you do when your in a beauty salon. She started to ask if I was married and how long we had been married. And I thought uh-oh here comes the 'have you got any kids question'.
My mind started racing, I was thinking what am I going to say? And I suddenly realised I hadn't been asked that question since we had lost Jack. In nearly 8 months no-one had asked me if I had any kids, I couldnt believe it! I had previously thought about what I would say and I thought I was prepared. I was supposed to say 'yes, I have 1 baby in heaven'. But instead what came out was, 'no, not yet'.
I had no idea why I had said that. I was instantly angry with myself for not saying yes. I was upset at the lady for prying (even though I know it's just a general question everybody gets asked). After I had said yes, she started to ask me if we were going to try soon, so I said yes. I wondered if it was too late to change my answer, and say yes I did infact have a baby already, here have a look at my necklace that I wear around my neck that holds his ashes, or have a look at my bracelet that has his name on it, but Im sure she didnt really want to hear my story anyway. Stillbirth is not something people like to talk about.
I guess it depends on who is asking the question as to how you respond to an answer like that. Maybe becuase I knew I would never see her again I didn't tell her. But Im sure there will be plenty more times that I will have to answer the same question, I wonder if it will ever get any easier?
This hectic thing we call life.
6 months ago