One of the hardest things for me after Jack was born was going back to work.
It was just all wrong. That wasnt how it was meant to be. I was supposed to be at home looking after my baby, instead I had nothing and I was back at the same job again as if nothing had happened. I found it really hard to get my head around that. But I had no choice - we needed the money.
It didnt help matters that the first day back as soon as I walked in the door the cleaner saw me and asked me where I had been for the last 6 weeks? I nearly died. I couldnt believe it, I thought everybody would have been told what happened. I kind of blurted out that we had the baby but he didnt make it, or something along those lines and then got away from him as quick as possible.
The first few weeks I refused to sit at my desk (I am on reception) because I didnt want to be receiving phone calls from people at other branches that knew what happened and have to listen to them say 'sorry about what happened' over and over again.
Eventually I worked up the courage, and after quite a few teary phone calls I seemed to be back in my old routine again.
I am lucky that I dont have to deal with babies on a daily basis, like I know some BLM have to.
But today a customer came in and she had a new born baby boy in her arms. As soon as she walked up to my desk I knew I had to get rid of her as soon as possible (horrible i know) I couldnt bear to look at the baby, let alone acknowledge him. But of course this lady wanted to chat and no one else was around to rescue me, so I got stuck talking to her. She couldnt seem to get the hint that I really didnt want to be talking to her.
Anyway as soon as she left I went into one of the other girls offices and told her what happened and just let off a heap of steam. I was just so angry that people can be so oblivious to the hurt and pain that you are feeling right in front of them, even though I know that they have no clue what happened and its entirely not their fault.
I just hate having to be stuck in situations like that.
This hectic thing we call life.
5 weeks ago