And I'm not looking forward to it. That's an understatement, actually I'm dreading it.
To start with we have Mothers Day next weekend. Normally we go out for lunch with our mums and family, but I really don't want to this year. I couldn't stand to go out and see all the happy families celebrating.
This time last year I remember we went out for lunch for Mothers Day and I was about 30 weeks pregnant, and everyone was saying, not long now and you will be a mother too. We were all so exited. We weren't to know that only a few weeks later our whole lives would turn upside down. I can still remember it clearly. I remember my ankles were really swollen and so was my face, although at the time, I didn't realise how badly, and I don't think my family did either. I remember not feeling 100% on that day. The next day I found out why when i visited my Ob and my BP was 160/120...
Then there is Jacks birthday coming up on the 24th. I have no idea how I want to celebrate this yet. I keep pushing it to the back of my mind but its getting closer and closer and I will have to think about it soon. What are the rules of etiquette when it comes to celebrating a dead babies 1st birthday? They don't teach you these things in school. Is there such a thing as going overboard? I feel ridiculous organising a birthday party for someone who is not here. But on the same hand I also feel that he deserves a 1st birthday as much as any other baby does. Will people think its weird though? I don't know.
I really don't know what to do. I will have to do some thinking. If the weather is nice I wouldn't mind going down to the park for a picnic with our family and release some balloons.
Then 2 days later it is my birthday. Last year I came home from hospital on my birthday without my baby. We didn't celebrate then and I don't want to celebrate it this year either.
So May is shaping up to be a really crappy month.
Oh yeah and to top it all off I had to tell my best friend that I just couldn't attend her sons 1st birthday party yesterday. I just couldn't do it. Its too hard to sit there and pretend that I am happy when I'm not. It would have reminded me too much of all the things that we should have been celebrating with Jack.
I'm sure she understood, but I feel horrible that I couldn't be there.
This hectic thing we call life.
4 months ago