Last night I went to a friends 'kitchenware party', I now kind of wish I hadnt gone.
The lady that I have posted about in a previous blog who was heavily pregnant has now had her baby. She had a baby girl which is now 6 weeks old, which she got to bring home, and she got to keep.
This lady was at the party last night. Admittedly my friend did ring to warn me that she would be there, thankfully, because if I hadnt been warned I dont think I would have been able to hide my emotions as well as I did. Not that I think I did a good job of that. Anyway stupidly I told my friend that I would be fine and I was still going to come.
When I first walked in the lady was sitting on the couch breast feeding the baby. I couldnt even bring myself to say hi to her, and to congratulate her would have just been torture. So instead I ignored her.
I felt so uncomfortable, I didnt know where to sit or who to look at. Thank god I took my sister in law with me because she kind of distracted me from the thoughts that were running around in my head. I was hoping that no one else noticed how I was feeling, but it was so hard for me to hold it together. On the inside I just wanted to cry and run out of there.
I couldnt even look at the baby. The only way for me to cope with being in the same room as the newborn was to pretend that she wasnt there, that she didnt exist. So I actually managed to do that for most of the night, except for once when I did happen to glance in the babies direction and immediatley wished I hadn't, because it was so painful - it was like being punched in the chest.
After the demonstration my friend and all her friends from 'mothers group' were chatting about their kids and school, kindy, sleeping patterns - all stuff that I am not part of. I just felt so out of place I couldnt wait to get out of there.
I shouldnt have gone. I just didnt realise how hard it still is 9 months down the track.
This hectic thing we call life.
4 months ago