I have been having trouble sleeping again lately. If I wake up in the middle of the night, I cant get back to sleep again. My mind just keeps ticking over. Memories from being in the hospital with Jack and his birth and his funeral all haunt me. I try really hard to think about something else, but the other thoughts automatically pop back into my head, I end up tossing and turning and before I know it its nearly morning.
Last night I was woken by a really horrible dream. I dreamt that I was pregnant again and things were beginning to go wrong. I think I was about 24 weeks or something like that, and I was out the front of my house talking to a relative when all of a sudden I got some really bad cramps in my stomach. I screamed at her to drive me to the hospital. On the way the cramps got worse and worse and my stomach actually felt numb. I kept telling her to hurry becuase I was losing the baby. When we got close to the hospital there was a road block because there had been an explosion at the hospital and there were dead bodies lying everywhere. By the time we finally got into the hospital I thought the baby was dead.
A nurse came over to assess me and pointed out to me that I was bleeding everywhere. I asked her to check for a heartbeat, and much to our amazement we heard one. She then sent me home even though I didnt want to go...and thats about where I woke up.
I was so disturbed I couldnt get back to sleep. And it has actually got me worrying about how I am going to cope with another pregnancy. How am I going to get through every single day wondering if the baby is still alive?
This hectic thing we call life.
5 weeks ago