Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Cant sleep...

I have been having trouble sleeping again lately. If I wake up in the middle of the night, I cant get back to sleep again. My mind just keeps ticking over. Memories from being in the hospital with Jack and his birth and his funeral all haunt me. I try really hard to think about something else, but the other thoughts automatically pop back into my head, I end up tossing and turning and before I know it its nearly morning.

Last night I was woken by a really horrible dream. I dreamt that I was pregnant again and things were beginning to go wrong. I think I was about 24 weeks or something like that, and I was out the front of my house talking to a relative when all of a sudden I got some really bad cramps in my stomach. I screamed at her to drive me to the hospital. On the way the cramps got worse and worse and my stomach actually felt numb. I kept telling her to hurry becuase I was losing the baby. When we got close to the hospital there was a road block because there had been an explosion at the hospital and there were dead bodies lying everywhere. By the time we finally got into the hospital I thought the baby was dead.
A nurse came over to assess me and pointed out to me that I was bleeding everywhere. I asked her to check for a heartbeat,  and much to our amazement we heard one. She then sent me home even though I didnt want to go...and thats about where I woke up.

I was so disturbed I couldnt get back to sleep. And it has actually got me worrying about how I am going to cope with another pregnancy. How am I going to get through every single day wondering if the baby is still alive?


  1. What an awful dream! We all have our fears about our subsequent pregnancies after loss. I think its all a part of how we lost our innocence about pregnancy when we lost our angels. But I personally have witnessed many bereved parents bringing home live happy healthy babies after loss so I hope that can bring you a little peace. Even though we lost our rainbow baby too, I refuse to give up trying. I know that God will grant us a blessing in the future and I pray that for you as well! *HUGS*

  2. Oh, I worry that too. I worried with Alexandra and she was my first pregnancy! I'm going to be twice as anxious in another! Unfortunately we've lost our innocence and it won't be the same. I'm hoping we all are able to bring home a healthy baby one day. Thinking of you!