It doesnt get any easier

Last night I went to a friends 'kitchenware party', I now kind of wish I hadnt gone.

The lady that I have posted about in a previous blog who was heavily pregnant has now had her baby. She had a baby girl which is now 6 weeks old, which she got to bring home, and she got to keep.

This lady was at the party last night. Admittedly my friend did ring to warn me that she would be there, thankfully, because if I hadnt been warned I dont think I would have been able to hide my emotions as well as I did. Not that I think I did a good job of that. Anyway stupidly I told my friend that I would be fine and I was still going to come.

When I first walked in the lady was sitting on the couch breast feeding the baby. I couldnt even bring myself to say hi to her, and to congratulate her would have just been torture. So instead I ignored her.

I felt so uncomfortable, I didnt know where to sit or who to look at. Thank god I took my sister in law with me because she kind of distracted me from the thoughts that were running around in my head. I was hoping that no one else noticed how I was feeling, but it was so hard for me to hold it together. On the inside I just wanted to cry and run out of there.

I couldnt even look at the baby. The only way for me to cope with being in the same room as the newborn was to pretend that she wasnt there, that she didnt exist. So I actually managed to do that for most of the night, except for once when I did happen to glance in the babies direction and immediatley wished I hadn't, because it was so painful - it was like being punched in the chest.

After the demonstration my friend and all her friends from  'mothers group' were chatting about their kids and school, kindy, sleeping patterns - all stuff that I am not part of. I just felt so out of place I couldnt wait to get out of there.

I shouldnt have gone. I just didnt realise how hard it still is 9 months down the track.

Cant sleep...

I have been having trouble sleeping again lately. If I wake up in the middle of the night, I cant get back to sleep again. My mind just keeps ticking over. Memories from being in the hospital with Jack and his birth and his funeral all haunt me. I try really hard to think about something else, but the other thoughts automatically pop back into my head, I end up tossing and turning and before I know it its nearly morning.

Last night I was woken by a really horrible dream. I dreamt that I was pregnant again and things were beginning to go wrong. I think I was about 24 weeks or something like that, and I was out the front of my house talking to a relative when all of a sudden I got some really bad cramps in my stomach. I screamed at her to drive me to the hospital. On the way the cramps got worse and worse and my stomach actually felt numb. I kept telling her to hurry becuase I was losing the baby. When we got close to the hospital there was a road block because there had been an explosion at the hospital and there were dead bodies lying everywhere. By the time we finally got into the hospital I thought the baby was dead.
A nurse came over to assess me and pointed out to me that I was bleeding everywhere. I asked her to check for a heartbeat,  and much to our amazement we heard one. She then sent me home even though I didnt want to go...and thats about where I woke up.

I was so disturbed I couldnt get back to sleep. And it has actually got me worrying about how I am going to cope with another pregnancy. How am I going to get through every single day wondering if the baby is still alive?

9 months

Its been almost  9 months since we said goodbye.

Its so sad that we have missed out on nine whole months of his life. And we still have to spend the rest of our lives without him.

Nine months has gone quickly but then again, so painfully slow. How can time seem to go quick and slow at the same time? It's hard to remember what it was like before our precious little boy was born.

I cant really remember a time when I used to feel completly happy and whole. But I must have been once. It seems like the peice of me that is missing can never be replaced or repaired, we will never again be completly whole.

I cant believe that we have managed to survive nine whole months without him. How have we done it? I guess because it is necessary. You have to get up every day, you have to eat every day, you have to go to work every day. Just like normal people. Except you know you arent 'normal' anymore. Because he is never far from our thoughts. Even though we may seem to be 'normal' to outside people, we certainly dont feel it.


Thinking of you and wishing you were here little angel x0x0x

1st March

Thats the date of my surgery! I was so excited when I got the letter that I could have done cartwheels!

So only 1 more week and a bit and then my glall bladder will be gone and then we can get on with trying to make a baby brother or sister for Jack. And also the cyst that was on my ovary is gone...so that was great news too!

Im scared of falling pregnant again. It is going to be such a worrying time (to put it mildly) but at the same time I want to so much.


Mummy loves and misses you so much Jack
Lots of hugs and kisses to you - I know you are looking after your mummy from heaven

x0x0x0x0

Still waiting...

Well today was just one big waste of time. Went to the hospital this morning for my pre-addmission appointment.

Of course a heavily pregnant woman would have to come and sit next to me in the waiting room. So then I couldnt get my mind off her, wondering what she was there for, ultrasound or blood test? Wishing that was me instead. Wanting to tell her to be careful and not to assume that everything will be ok.

Then I kept thinking that the nurse or doctor would ask me if I had children. And I spent most of my time while I was waiting thinking about how to answer. 

Then the pregnant lady got called in. Her husband waited in the waiting room. When she came back out she sort of just stood in the doorway and waited for her husband to get up, with a blank look on her face. And for a second my heart skipped a beat, but then she smiled at him and I thought, oop no they are fine, their baby is fine - stop thinking crazy thoughts.

So anyway I saw the nurse she took all my details (she didnt ask whether or not I had any kids luckily) and then she gave me some brochures about the operation and asked if I had any questions, then she pretty much said see you later. So I drove back to my sister-in-laws house and on the way I was thinking wasnt I supposed to see a doctor too? So after several phone calls to the hospital and them transferring me to the wrong department numerous times I finally got onto the nurse that I had seen. I aksed her if my appointment had finished or was I supposed to see a doctor too? She said oh yes didnt I tell you to wait in the waiting room? So I had to drive back to the hospital where I had to wait another hour to see the doctor. He pretty much asked me the same questions as the nurse had and then he ordered a blood test and sent me on my way.

So I am no closer to finding out when my operation is at all. They said I will receive another letter in the mail advising me of the date. So back to the waiting game.

I also had to have an ultrasound on my right ovary to see if a cyst that was detected back in October has gone yet. I was supossed to have it done in November but never got around to it.

So I have my fingers crossed that the cyst is gone! I have an appointment on Wed at my doc's to find out. Of course I cant help thinking that I am going to get the worst news possible , like its grown heaps and ill need an operation or I have cancer or something. I cant help it, I think my ability to think positively was taken from me.

I wonder

I wonder what colour Jack's eyes would have been? Would they have been green like mine or blue like his Daddy's?

I cant believe I never got to see them.

In hospital it never occured to me to take a peek, but I dont think I could have anyway. I didn't like to disturb him, he looked so peaceful.

I bet they were the most beautiful little eyes I had ever seen.

A wonderful surprise

I woke up this morning to a beautiful surprise. A photo of Jack's name in a waterfall all the way over the other side of the world in Florida. I want to say thank you so much to Lisa from http://www.waterfallangels.blogspot.com/ for doing this for us.

So I spoke to my friend whom I thought was pregnant. And she assured me that she is not. Phew! Safe for another month. But the same day I found out my boss's wife is pregnant, so i must have had some sort of premonition!

I came to the realisation today that 2010 is not going to be the year that we will have another baby. All of last year I kept thinking 2010 will be our year, we will have a baby. But now that this gall bladder thing has delayed us for 4 months, it looks like it will be 2011, it's hard to believe. 2009 sounds like so far away already.

Im really looking forward to my operation. I wish they would hurry up and do it already. Only 2, maybe 4 more weeks, thank God. Thats all I can think about at the moment. Although Im not so keen on going into the hospital, its going to bring back so many horrible memories, at least I only have to stay 1 night.

Meet you at the Sunset - January meeting

For the first meeting of the month we thought we would speak about the holiday season and how you coped. What was it like for you? Did you do anything sepcial in your childs memory?

Christmas is normally my favourite time of year and I couldn't wait to spend it with our new baby and neither could our families. Instead I found myself dreading it. Everything reminded me of Jack.
We woke up on Christmas morning and werent in any particular hurry to get up, there was nothing to celebrate. If it hadnt been for the fact that I had to cook a pork for our family lunch I probably wouldnt have bothered getting up when I did.

About a month before Christmas I ordered a beautiful candle in memory of Jack that was to go on the table at lunch. We forgot to light it (which Im kind of glad because it seems such a shame to melt it). We honoured Jack with a toast to him before we ate, which was beautiful and so sad.

My neice and nephew bought a bauble for the Christmas Tree which was blue and had Jack's name on it in glitter. It is lovely and something we will always treasure and bring out each year.  

My husband and I each bought gifts for each other from Jack. It was very emotional opening our presents without our son.
Christmas will never be the same again, it will always feel empty.
I was glad when it was all over. Glad that a new year would be starting soon but also sad that we were saying goodbye to the year that our angel was born.

Random thoughts

I was just sitting here reading some blogs and it suddenly occured to me that I havent heard from one of my closest friends for over a week now. Normally we keep in touch at least once a week. After doing some quick sums in my head I realised that maybe she is pregnant and doesnt want to tell me. I know her period was due around Christmas time in December and she wasnt pregnant then, so I guess she would have been due around 25th Jan, and I just realised I havent heard from her since then which is unusual.

She mentioned to me that if she did get pregnant that she wouldn't want to tell me. But I said to her, you cant not tell me. I will be happy for you and of course I will be upset but most of all I will be happy for you.
So now I am scared to ring her incase she is pregnant. As much as I tell her that I will be alright, I know I wont be. I know I will be jealous and upset. She had a little baby boy just 4 weeks before Jack was born and if she is pregnant again before we have even had a chance to try I will be so shattered.

Its not that I dont want her to have another baby, its just that I wanted to be the next one to be pregnant again. Weird I know.

Anyway I could be getting all worried about nothing. I should just ring her.

Dogs...

Why does the world have to suck so much at times? Why is it that nothing EVER goes right for us.
As soon as things start looking up, something else brings us crashing back down.
The dogs have been acting up and it was looking like we were going to have to give them away. When I say acting up I mean jumping through windows to get out! After speaking to the vet, they have been granted one last chance in the form of an animal behavioural expert who will come to our house and assess them and prescribe some form of medication to help keep them calm while we arent at home. I am at my wits end. There is nothing else we can do to help them and giving them away is the last thing I want to do.
I was bawling my eyes out all morning at work. I had nightmares last night about taking them to the animal shelter. So fingers crossed that this 'specialist' can help us.
Okay Ive had a rant now, I feel a little better.

Watch over your little doggies for us Jack and help them to be better doggies

Love you

Love Mummy x0x0x