Happy 1st Birthday

Happy 1st Birthday my baby boy.

Mummy and Daddy miss you so much and wish that you could be here with us.

We hope that you had a wonderful birthday in heaven with all your little angel friends.

Did you get all the balloons that we sent up to heaven for you yesterday? They were pale blue, very pretty just like your eyes would have been.

Your two Nanna's and Great Nanna and Aunties and Uncles and cousins all came yesterday to help celebrate your birthday. They all love you so much too.

We had a beautiful cake for you. I hope you got to have some birthday cake in heaven.

We really miss you lots and lots.

Love you buddy, always and forever.

Happy Birthday - Love Mummy and Daddy

x0x0x0

The little things

Well I ordered a cake for Jack's birthday. I decided against making one as I wanted it to be perfect and to be honest I'm not that good a cake maker. It is going to be white with blue flowers and a rattle on it along with his name and birth date. I will be sure to post some pictures.

The restaurant is all booked, I just have to order some balloons and I think we will place an add in our paper too. But other than that I am all organised, its come around so quick Ive hardly even had time to think about it.

Every now and then at work I glance at the calendar and I think to myself this time last year I was feeling unwell, my blood pressure had sky rocketed, why didn't I just go the hospital? Why did I wait to see the stupid doctor again? If only I could go back and change everything.

On the weekend I decided to change the position of the cot in Jacks room. (I still call it Jacks room, its going to be really hard to call it someone else's room eventually)
I really wanted to buy a new cot, a nice white one. Not because the one we have isn't brand new because it is, but because every time I looked in the room I could feel bad karma or something. It felt like the room was laughing at me, saying ha ha ha look at what you set up in here and don't you feel ridiculous now!

Hubby wasn't so keen on getting rid of the cot, its not like Jack used it or anything and I could understand his point of view too. So then I had an idea to change the room around and I feel much better about it now.

Its still the same room and the same cot, but somehow it doesn't seem so scary and menacing as before. Crazy I know! But obviously I just needed something in there to be different than before - so that in the back of my mind I can hope that next time things will be different.

Hubby brought me this most beautiful figurine of a child holding a balloon which says 'Hope' for Mothers Day.  I have put it on the hallway table opposite Jacks bedroom. Hopefully it will bring us some good luck in the form of a BFP in the next few months!

I also got some stuff off my neices and nephew which was very sweet - some bed socks and a mug that says 'Worlds Greatest Mum'. so cute.

I have also finally organised something for Jacks birthday. We are all going to lunch at a bistro on top of a local mountain which has sweeping views accross our city and the beach. Afterwards we will release some balloons, and then  maybe go back to someones house for some birthday cake (which hopefully I will get time to make!)

Well I survived my first Mothers Day! Don't know how, but I did.

I think the build-up to it was worse than the actual day.

We went out for lunch with my mum, sil, and mil. It wasn't as bad as what I thought it was going to be. It was kind of just like any other day because luckily the restaurant we chose wasn't handing out flowers to the Mums or anything like that, I really would have hated to explain that I'm a mother to a dead baby. But I needn't have worried, it didn't come up.

Afterwards we went back to my Mums for afternoon tea with my brother and his fiance which was lovely and then to my sil's for a roast dinner, which was delicious!

So all in all a pretty good day. I even got some presents which I will post pictures of tomorrow.

May is here

And I'm not looking forward to it. That's an understatement, actually I'm dreading it.
To start with we have Mothers Day next weekend. Normally we go out for lunch with our mums and family, but I really don't want to this year. I couldn't stand to go out and see all the happy families celebrating.
This time last year I remember we went out for lunch for Mothers Day and I was about 30 weeks pregnant, and everyone was saying, not long now and you will be a mother too. We were all so exited. We weren't to know that only a few weeks later our whole lives would turn upside down. I can still remember it clearly. I remember my ankles were really swollen and so was my face, although at the time, I didn't realise how badly, and I don't think my family did either. I remember not feeling 100% on that day. The next day I found out why when i visited my Ob and my BP was 160/120...

Then there is Jacks birthday coming up on the 24th. I have no idea how I want to celebrate this yet. I keep pushing it to the back of my mind but its getting closer and closer and I will have to think about it soon. What are the rules of etiquette when it comes to celebrating a dead babies 1st birthday? They don't teach you these things in school. Is there such a thing as going overboard? I feel ridiculous organising a birthday party for someone who is not here. But on the same hand I also feel that he deserves a 1st birthday as much as any other baby does. Will people think its weird though? I don't know.
I really don't know what to do. I will have to do some thinking. If the weather is nice I wouldn't mind going down to the park for a picnic with our family and release some balloons.

Then 2 days later it is my birthday. Last year I came home from hospital on my birthday without my baby. We didn't celebrate then and I don't want to celebrate it this year either.

So May is shaping up to be a really crappy month.

Oh yeah and to top it all off I had to tell my best friend that I just couldn't attend her sons 1st birthday party yesterday. I just couldn't do it. Its too hard to sit there and pretend that I am happy when I'm not. It would have reminded me too much of all the things that we should have been celebrating with Jack.
I'm sure she understood, but I feel horrible that I couldn't be there.