I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for your comments and for making me feel so welcome in this new 'blogging world'.
When I first started this blog, I wasnt sure I wanted anyone to read it, but I have come to realise how healing it can be just to share your thoughts with other people who understand what you are going through.
I have also realised how much I enjoy reading other peoples blogs.
When I first talked about reading these blogs with some friends, their comments were 'try not to dwell on it too much', meaning that I should forget about what happened and try and move on. They mean well of course, but they dont realise that it actually helps to be able to read others stories and realise you are not alone and to feel closer to Jack.
I guess its easier for them to put Jack out of their thoughts, but for me he is constantly on my mind.
Anything that brings me closer to him has got to be good, right?
I will try and get around to writing Jacks birth story soon. I have been meaning to do it for the last few months but just havent had the courage to go there yet. As soon as I get some quiet time to myself I will start that story. Its going to be hard, but I need to get it all out before the details turn into foggy distant memories.
Those Days
4 years ago
It has been nearly a year since i lost my boys and i still havent been able to properly write out my story. There is no rush.
ReplyDeleteI have had people try to tell me the same thing. Unless they have been where you are they will never understand. Sometimes it feels like reading other peoples stories and sharing my own with people that have been through the same thing is one of the only things that got me through the really tough days and the sleepless nights.
xxx
I think people tend to make the assumption that remembering Jack (or for me Abigail) means we are only thinking about their death. Because they are uncomfortable around death they see this as morbid.
ReplyDeleteFor me, the more time moves on, the more I can see Abigail's death within the context of her life. Whilst she didn't do much by human standards, it means a lot to me as her father that she existed, lived inside my wife. And I believe in heaven now. So when I remember Abigail it is not morbid.
Someone said grief is not about forgetting but remembering. I believe that.
I also think that Jack is a "member" of your family. And through the things you do to value him you can re"member" him in your family. That is important.
Your friend was well intentioned no doubt but wrong. Their advice had more to do with making themselves comfortable than helping you in your grief.
I hope you find more ways to re"member" jack this year.
My cousin said something similar to me - that it was best if I not spend too much time in 'forums and chatrooms' as her friend had told her when she lost her husband it just allowed her to dwell and not 'get over it'.
ReplyDeleteMy cousin was very supportive and rang me often (too often and too advising at times, but well meaning). Where is she now? I haven't heard from her in months. She must consider me 'over it'. I bet I hear from her again when news of the new pregnancy gets out.
x
I think when people say "try not to dwell on it," what they are really saying is "I am going to try not to dwell on it because I am afraid of this."
ReplyDeleteI reality, "dwelling" is something that needs to be done. It's a part of your life. He was and is VERY real. You can't "not dwell on" him - it's impossible and if these people really thought about it, rather silly! He's your son. They won't understand unless they want to, or unless it has happened to them.
We're all different now. We do things differently; think of things differently: we always will. It's inevitable. It's healthy to talk; healthy to read whatever makes you able to heal or to mourn - since there are so many different stages. It's good that you've found a way, like many of us, to talk about your son and have him acknowledged for the little person he was and is - since so much of what we "are" is the impression we've left on the world.
I'm glad you're here with us :) *HUGE hugs* XxX
I spent a lot of time on the computer the few months after Carleigh's birth b/c I felt so connected to others who had lost. I knew they understood when no one else didn't. I got several comments about spending so much time on the computer (many of those from my mom and sister) and it really made me mad. I didn't see anybody stepping up to talk to me about things. Just avoidance of it all and pushing me to move on when I wasn't ready.
ReplyDelete