The unavoidable question

The other day I went to get my eyebrows waxed, I hadn't been to this particular salon before.
The lady and I were just making idle chitchat, as you do when your in a beauty salon. She started to ask if I was married and how long we had been married. And I thought uh-oh here comes the 'have you got any kids question'.

My mind started racing, I was thinking what am I going to say? And I suddenly realised I hadn't been asked that question since we had lost Jack. In nearly 8 months no-one had asked me if I had any kids, I couldnt believe it! I had previously thought about what I would say and I thought I was prepared. I was supposed to say 'yes, I have 1 baby in heaven'. But instead what came out was, 'no, not yet'.

I had no idea why I had said that. I was instantly angry with myself for not saying yes. I was upset at the lady for prying (even though I know it's just a general question everybody gets asked). After I had said yes, she started to ask me if we were going to try soon, so I said yes. I wondered if it was too late to change my answer, and say yes I did infact have a baby already, here have a look at my necklace that I wear around my neck that holds his ashes, or have a look at my bracelet that has his name on it, but Im sure she didnt really want to hear my story anyway. Stillbirth is not something people like to talk about.

I guess it depends on who is asking the question as to how you respond to an answer like that. Maybe becuase I knew I would never see her again I didn't tell her. But Im sure there will be plenty more times that I will have to answer the same question, I wonder if it will ever get any easier?

Thanks...

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for your comments and for making me feel so welcome in this new 'blogging world'.
When I first started this blog, I wasnt sure I wanted anyone to read it, but I have come to realise how healing it can be just to share your thoughts with other people who understand what you are going through.
I have also realised how much I enjoy reading other peoples blogs.
When I first talked about reading these blogs with some friends, their comments were 'try not to dwell on it too much', meaning that I should forget about what happened and try and move on. They mean well of course, but they dont realise that it actually helps to be able to read others stories and realise you are not alone and to feel closer to Jack.
I guess its easier for them to put Jack out of their thoughts, but for me he is constantly on my mind.
Anything that brings me closer to him has got to be good, right?
I will try and get around to writing Jacks birth story soon. I have been meaning to do it for the last few months but just havent had the courage to go there yet. As soon as I get some quiet time to myself I will start that story. Its going to be hard, but I need to get it all out before the details turn into foggy distant memories.

Our first Christmas without Jack

Well I have been dreading this time of year ever since we lost Jack. But somehow we managed to make it through.

This time last year was filled with excitement and happiness. We had just announced to everyone that we were expecting, so of course it was our best Christmas ever. And this year was our worst Christmas ever. Two such extremes in such a short time.
We were expecting little Jack to be crawling around the Christmas tree, pulling pressies apart and having a wonderful time this christmas, but instead he is in heaven, where hopefully he was spoiled rotten!

I got some wonderful presents in memory of Jack. One is a statue of a lady holding a baby and it is called "Angel of Mine", my husband gave me this and I couldnt have asked for a more beautiful present.

I also got a bracelet from my husband's family that has Jack's name on it, it is absolutely gorgeous.

I am looking forward to the New Year with hope. Hopefully it will be a better year for us both. Hopefully we will have a little brother or sister on the way for Jack.

But it also brings closer the 1st anniversary of Jacks birth/death. I cant beleive it is only 5 months away, it feels just like yesterday that we had to say goodbye.

Merry Christmas to you little Jack

Love Mummy and Daddy x0x0

Awkward moments

This weekend we attended our friends 2 year old sons birthday party. It was our first child's birthday party since losing Jack and it was hard. Not only becuase of all the joyous little kiddies running around but also because of one very pregnant lady. Dont get me wrong, it is not her fault at all. Its just so hard to look at her and feel happy for her, instead I just feel anxiety, fear, sadness, anger and everything in between. Anxiety that everything will be ok for her, fear that it wont, sadness that things went so wrong with us and anger that she probably will end up with a healthy baby at the end of her pregnancy. I cant help it. I want to chat to her and ask her how she and the baby have been and how the preparations are coming along, but I just cant do it, its too hard.
I sat there looking at her, thinking how can you feel so relaxed about this pregnancy? Why arent you checking to see if the baby is kicking enough or is still alive even? I wish I could be like that again, but I know I never will. I know the next pregnancy is going to be hell. I will be expecting the baby to die, even though I know chances are it wont. I really dont know how I will get through the last trimester.
I was listening to other people chatting to her about their birth stories of heartburn and swollen feet and stuff and I just felt like screaming out, well your baby didnt die, so just be thankful! I would happily put up with heartburn every day for the rest of my life, if it meant Jack could be here with us. But I guess these people just dont realise how lucky they are. How could they when they havent had something so horrible happen to them?
I feel awkward in these situations where other people are chatting happily about their kids and their pregnancy. Should I join in? Probably not, I dont have anything to say except bad stuff, which they probably wouldnt want to hear anyway. So I just sit and listen and hope that the conversation changes soon , so that I can stop feeling awkward. Sometimes its as if people have forgotten what happened to us, or I guess its more a case of they choose to forget.
But there was not a moment went by at that party that I wasnt thinking about Jack.
I guess it will get easier in time to attend these gatherings, but for the moment it just feels like we are the outsiders. What can people talk to us about? Certainly not kids or babies. And I guess we will remain the outsiders until we have a live baby.
Anway i guess I have rambled on enough now, I better get dressed and organise myself for our neice and nephews dancing concert!
Love you little Jack, missing you terribly x0x0x

In limbo

I hate feeling like my life is in limbo, but this is what it feels like at the moment. It feels to me like everything is against me having a baby, I know that is probably ridiculous but I cant help wondering sometimes. My husband and I have wanted to try for another baby since a couple of months after Jack passed away. But now we have had to put that on hold due to my gallbladder, I have gallstones and they want to remove it before I get pregnant to avoid any complications during a pregnancy. And god only knows I dont need any more complications during another pregnancy. So i am ready and waiting on the public hospital waiting list, but this could take months. Im 29 next year and I am constantly aware that time is just ticking away and I cant do anything but wait, it is so frustrating!
If only I could rewind time to before things started to go wrong in my pregnancy with Jack. If only I had chosen another obstetrician? If only, if only....
I am always wondering what things would be like now if they had turned out different.
What would Jack and I be up to today? What would I be buying him for Christmas?
Last weekend when we were up at Winton and it was boiling hot I was thinking if Jack was here we could go back to the caravan park for a swim and how much he would have enjoyed that.
I imagine things that we would have done together all the time, and all the things that he will miss out on.

I miss you and love you so much little boy xoxox