In limbo

I hate feeling like my life is in limbo, but this is what it feels like at the moment. It feels to me like everything is against me having a baby, I know that is probably ridiculous but I cant help wondering sometimes. My husband and I have wanted to try for another baby since a couple of months after Jack passed away. But now we have had to put that on hold due to my gallbladder, I have gallstones and they want to remove it before I get pregnant to avoid any complications during a pregnancy. And god only knows I dont need any more complications during another pregnancy. So i am ready and waiting on the public hospital waiting list, but this could take months. Im 29 next year and I am constantly aware that time is just ticking away and I cant do anything but wait, it is so frustrating!
If only I could rewind time to before things started to go wrong in my pregnancy with Jack. If only I had chosen another obstetrician? If only, if only....
I am always wondering what things would be like now if they had turned out different.
What would Jack and I be up to today? What would I be buying him for Christmas?
Last weekend when we were up at Winton and it was boiling hot I was thinking if Jack was here we could go back to the caravan park for a swim and how much he would have enjoyed that.
I imagine things that we would have done together all the time, and all the things that he will miss out on.

I miss you and love you so much little boy xoxox