This weekend we attended our friends 2 year old sons birthday party. It was our first child's birthday party since losing Jack and it was hard. Not only becuase of all the joyous little kiddies running around but also because of one very pregnant lady. Dont get me wrong, it is not her fault at all. Its just so hard to look at her and feel happy for her, instead I just feel anxiety, fear, sadness, anger and everything in between. Anxiety that everything will be ok for her, fear that it wont, sadness that things went so wrong with us and anger that she probably will end up with a healthy baby at the end of her pregnancy. I cant help it. I want to chat to her and ask her how she and the baby have been and how the preparations are coming along, but I just cant do it, its too hard.
I sat there looking at her, thinking how can you feel so relaxed about this pregnancy? Why arent you checking to see if the baby is kicking enough or is still alive even? I wish I could be like that again, but I know I never will. I know the next pregnancy is going to be hell. I will be expecting the baby to die, even though I know chances are it wont. I really dont know how I will get through the last trimester.
I was listening to other people chatting to her about their birth stories of heartburn and swollen feet and stuff and I just felt like screaming out, well your baby didnt die, so just be thankful! I would happily put up with heartburn every day for the rest of my life, if it meant Jack could be here with us. But I guess these people just dont realise how lucky they are. How could they when they havent had something so horrible happen to them?
I feel awkward in these situations where other people are chatting happily about their kids and their pregnancy. Should I join in? Probably not, I dont have anything to say except bad stuff, which they probably wouldnt want to hear anyway. So I just sit and listen and hope that the conversation changes soon , so that I can stop feeling awkward. Sometimes its as if people have forgotten what happened to us, or I guess its more a case of they choose to forget.
But there was not a moment went by at that party that I wasnt thinking about Jack.
I guess it will get easier in time to attend these gatherings, but for the moment it just feels like we are the outsiders. What can people talk to us about? Certainly not kids or babies. And I guess we will remain the outsiders until we have a live baby.
Anway i guess I have rambled on enough now, I better get dressed and organise myself for our neice and nephews dancing concert!
Love you little Jack, missing you terribly x0x0x
