Last night we lost our little rainbow baby. I would have been 7 weeks today.
I still cant really believe it. There were signs that it was going to happen since last Friday, but you still try to stay positive and keep hopeful, but deep down you know.
Why must this happen?
Why must this happen to anyone?
Havent we already been through enough? When will we get our baby?

We have got a busy busy week coming up. Our friend who had the stomach cancer passed away last week, so we are flying to Tasmania for the funeral. I am not looking forward to it at all. I hate funerals. This will be the first funeral I have been to since Jack's. We are staying the one night and then coming home. I would have liked to stay a little longer as it will be my first trip down to Tassie but I am trying to save my holidays up for when bubba comes!

The other thing is we have to put the dogs in a kennel for the week, and I hate doing that. They stress out and I worry about them the whole time. I worry that they might escape since my male doggie is prone to destroying fences : (   But hopefull they should be ok.

Then I have got my doctors appointment tonight to confirm this pregnancy, I am 5 weeks tomorrow. And get a referal from him to my specialist.

Then we are off to a race meeting for a few days (in honour of our friend) and then finally we will be back home and we can collect the dogs from the kennel. I am already tired just thinking about it!

An update and some news..

Its been a while since I wrote anything I don't really know why. There has been a lot of stuff going on lately. One of our friends is very sick with stomach cancer and we are waiting for the call to say that his battle has ended. We went in to the hospital on the weekend to say our goodbyes and he promised to look after Jack for us. It was extremely hard. I just hope that he goes peacefully and is not suffering in any pain.

Jack's birthday turned out to be a lovely day, it was emotional but at the same time it felt good to be celebrating his birthday. We had lunch at the restaurant on top of the mountain with the beautiful views and luckily it was a sunny day so you could see right out to the city and across the bay.

I forgot to take my camera! I was so angry with myself, luckily Mum had hers, but I haven't had a chance yet to upload them onto my computer.

I did remember to take a picture of the cake though, it was delicious mud!

After lunch we released all the balloons while everyone who was enjoying the view on the mountain looked on.

We then went through a hedge maze with the kids (and big kids too) that was fun! It was really nice to spend the day with family and friends. If only Jack was there to see how much everyone loves and misses him. I'm sure he would have been looking down on us though.

So, a whole year is gone and it feels like just yesterday, its hard to believe that we would have a 1 year old now.

And as for the news that I have, well I am pregnant! We just found out yesterday and so far we have only told my SIL and best friend. We are going to tell our Mum's and that's pretty much it until 12 weeks. Oh and my brother and his fiance' they are getting married in August and next month I have to go to the Hen's party which is a winery tour and I'm sure they will notice that I'm not drinking!

I'm really scared about these first 12 weeks, I am really praying that nothing bad happens.

My due date is 22nd Feb 2010. I will be writing in more detail about my journey on my other blog (see link in the top right hand corner)

It hasn't really sunk in yet, it doesn't feel real. I guess when Ive seen the doctor and had a scan and all is well then I will believe it. But I am very thankful that it happened quickly and we haven't had to endure the months and months of trying that I know lots of people have to, so for that I am grateful. I'm trying not to get my hopes up just yet though, we have got a long way to go.

Happy 1st Birthday

Happy 1st Birthday my baby boy.

Mummy and Daddy miss you so much and wish that you could be here with us.

We hope that you had a wonderful birthday in heaven with all your little angel friends.

Did you get all the balloons that we sent up to heaven for you yesterday? They were pale blue, very pretty just like your eyes would have been.

Your two Nanna's and Great Nanna and Aunties and Uncles and cousins all came yesterday to help celebrate your birthday. They all love you so much too.

We had a beautiful cake for you. I hope you got to have some birthday cake in heaven.

We really miss you lots and lots.

Love you buddy, always and forever.

Happy Birthday - Love Mummy and Daddy

x0x0x0

The little things

Well I ordered a cake for Jack's birthday. I decided against making one as I wanted it to be perfect and to be honest I'm not that good a cake maker. It is going to be white with blue flowers and a rattle on it along with his name and birth date. I will be sure to post some pictures.

The restaurant is all booked, I just have to order some balloons and I think we will place an add in our paper too. But other than that I am all organised, its come around so quick Ive hardly even had time to think about it.

Every now and then at work I glance at the calendar and I think to myself this time last year I was feeling unwell, my blood pressure had sky rocketed, why didn't I just go the hospital? Why did I wait to see the stupid doctor again? If only I could go back and change everything.

On the weekend I decided to change the position of the cot in Jacks room. (I still call it Jacks room, its going to be really hard to call it someone else's room eventually)
I really wanted to buy a new cot, a nice white one. Not because the one we have isn't brand new because it is, but because every time I looked in the room I could feel bad karma or something. It felt like the room was laughing at me, saying ha ha ha look at what you set up in here and don't you feel ridiculous now!

Hubby wasn't so keen on getting rid of the cot, its not like Jack used it or anything and I could understand his point of view too. So then I had an idea to change the room around and I feel much better about it now.

Its still the same room and the same cot, but somehow it doesn't seem so scary and menacing as before. Crazy I know! But obviously I just needed something in there to be different than before - so that in the back of my mind I can hope that next time things will be different.